I was planning to take me life, weighing out the options between popping pills and hanging myself.
I had given up on myself because there was no more fight left in me. I had cried so hard and prayed so much that I began to convince myself that God wasn’t listening to me anymore.
I had reached a point where I was a literal walking dead person. Lost all love for myself, lost all hope in experiencing joy again. I had given on God but God had not given up on me.
I was so ready to let go before I had even Let God.
See, the thing with being so broken and so deep in pain is that we tend to lose sight of God. We blind ourselves with the fact that we have been so hurt and been fighting so much and we aren’t winning battles that we forget that God is a mighty warrior, that God fights for us. We put God on the bench so many times that we forget that the only reason why we aren’t winning is because we aren’t putting God in the battle.
See, I had put insecurity, anxiety, depression and anger on the battlefield with me instead of the mighty warrior and fought until there was no more fight left in me. I let the fact that I felt no love from my actual dad blind me from seeing God’s love for me. I let my past blind me from seeing that God’s plan for my life is bigger than the past pains.
But because God is never failing and patient. He still has a way of reminding me that even when I don’t feel Him, He is there. That even when I feel like He isn’t listening, He hears it all.