Every day I question why God still loves me so much after I have hurt him many times, been mad at him a few more times and asked him to take my life a couple of times and every day I recieve the same answer from him being :
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we are still sinners, Christ died for us.
The past few months have been the hardest few months EVER. I have had moments in which I questioned God on why certain things were happening to me, why I cried so much. Truth is, I had been feeling more pain than happiness and I asked God, why?
I don’t have a clear answer on why this is so but I know He has a plan. What the plan is, I have no clue but I have to learn to trust because whether I like it or not, He knows what He is doing.
Today I cried and when I was crying, I kept telling God that I’m done and that I can’t but God, He just said: “You may be done but I am not.”
The thing with God is that it doesn’t matter how many times we try and sideline him and try to fix things on our own, He is there because He knows that there will come a moment that you will cry and be done with life completely and weak and hurt and broken and wanting to give up because no one, I mean no one can help you and at that very moment, He will come through.
It doesn’t matter how hurt you are.
It doesn’t matter how much you have been broken by people or even yourself.
It doesn’t matter how much love you have lost.
It doesn’t matter who left you
It doesn’t matter how much your dad or your mother has hurt you.
He is not done with you. He isn’t done with me as well.
And there comes a time when we have to hand it all over and I know, very well that it is hard to just give everything, every broken piece to Him after being hurt so much. I know how hard it is to surrender it all to Him not knowing what is next.
But it’s okay because giving it all to Him doesn’t mean pretending it’s all fine and you’re happy but it’s knowing that all things are working out for your good because at the end of the day, God loves us.
So with this impromptu writing, I appeal to anyone who feels hurt, broken, beat down, weak, wanting to give up, ready to take their own life, I am here. I am here to do this with you because I am all of the above and I know I am going to need the support system. I am here because I want you to know that God is not done with you yet and I don’t have the answers to questions you are asking him nor do I know what He is doing and going to do but I know He love us both.
Take this as a hug from me letting you know that it is okay and that you are allowed to feel but don’t give up on God as yet. I know you’re probably saying that I don’t get it and maybe I don’t but the other day when I was speaking to my best friend, I said to her that I can’t even pray anymore, she said to me; “He hears even when you can’t find the words.” And when I read that I was mad at the fact she said that and I don’t know why I was mad but I was and I realised that I was mad because I had given up on him before I had even given Him a chance to do His thing.
But Anyways what do I know?