As a young girl in grade 5 ( age 11), I always had a big group of friends until some smart person decided to tell all my friends that I pick favourites in the group and of course, they believed this person……This was just the beginning of many fights that soon led to my “friends” going against me and my first suicidal thoughts flooded my head. At that time, any person would’ve said that I should have spoken to my mom but unfortunately for me , She was on a business trip (and even to this day, she doesn’t know_ unless she reads this.) .
From that moment on, making friends for me was hard and keeping them was always a fail. I was always losing friends and even when it wasn’t my fault, it was my fault. The only problem was that I did not look to God for help because I thought I could do it all on my own. Well, as I finished primary school, things looked good cause I had good friends and I was very happy until we all lost contact except for one but even then we were growing further and further apart.
I started high school with high hopes of a fresh start but I was kidding myself because I was not getting a fresh start, I was beginning a life of pain and a continuation of depression which started at age 11. I thought I had met good people but I always felt left out so I met another person, oh but I was controlled so I met another group, *sigh* I was a total outcast. This started at school and followed me to my own home. Reason being is that once you isolate yourself in one place then you soon isolate yourself in every other place creating two different people- the One you are in front of people and the One you are when you are alone. With people I was the girl who smiled and made every one laugh or smile or just was there for everyone but on my own…….. I was a thunder storm mixed with every other natural disaster. Constantly blaming myself for my pain, telling myself how stupid I was, how ugly I was, how unworthy I was and ohh the worst was,“no one loves you , not even God” but in actual fact he did.
I began hating myself and soon cutting myself and taa-daa, the razor blade was my best friend. The endless tears, mean comments I made to myself and cuts that replaced the love I “needed” soon became suicidal thoughts and shouts at God that I want to die! I even had a 3 part plan on how I would take my life because God didn’t want to do it for me. It didn’t work out though but I continued hurting myself until early this year.
Early this year during March/April, after watching war room and seeing how God can answer prayers, I went to my room and knelt and cried and prayed and indeed God heard Me because He gave me courage to face the hidden truths thst ended up giving me freedom and through asking Him to help me find joy and peace and after some time, I found joy and peace.
Now I am a God-defined girl with peace that passes all understanding and that is why I have this blog because I don’t want what I went through actually take your life- even though our situations are different, God is the same – . I care about you and I want you to be happy and have peace and know that God loves you.
Here are a few of my favourite verses that keep me going and hopefully will keep you going too:
- Hebrews 13:5
- Jeremiah 29:11
- Isaiah 54:17
- Luke 1: 37
- Jeremiah 31:3
- 2 Corinthians 12:9
I hope you learn from my Testimony and don’t forget God cares for you and will never leave you not will he forsake you.❤